


Heavy is the head...of someone with confidence issues

by ManhattanMom



Series: He ain't heavy, he's my boyfriend [2]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Happy Ending, M/M, Poor Bombur, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Esteem Issues, the Bagginshield is only in the background so don't get all crazy on me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-10-08 21:59:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10397103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ManhattanMom/pseuds/ManhattanMom
Summary: Bombur and Nori are a happy couple.  But an afternoon smoking weed with Bilbo puts Bombur in a funky mood and brings up some long-held insecurities regarding his relationship to Nori.





	1. Chapter 1

“What in the hell are you drinking??”

Bombur paused and turned around, trying like hell not to look guilty. Because he was not in fact doing anything wrong, although Nori’s tone clearly would indicate otherwise.

Nori stood there, his hands on his hips, looking for all the world as if he were scolding a three year old. And damn it, Bombur was many things but he was no three year old.

“I am,” he said calmly, “drinking some apple cider vinegar. Mixed with water, of course.”

“Of course,” Nori repeated sarcastically. “Because whether or not there was water in there is what I was concerned about.”

“It’s very good for your blood sugar and it helps my reflux,” Bombur said, straining mightily to sound haughty and not remotely defensive. Even to his own ears he did not succeed.

Nori’s eyebrows (and what bushy and delightful eyebrows they were) shot up even higher than the already very high place they had begun this encounter in.

“Vinegar? Helps your _reflux?_ ”

"The idea is we produce less stomach acid as we get older, not more,” Bombur explained patiently. “And so adding a little extra in can be helpful.”

“For what?” Nori asked. “Because correct me if I’m wrong, 'reflux' means too _much_ acid, not too little.” He stomped into the kitchen, gave Bombur a soft kiss on the cheek and then snagged the bottle of Bragg’s from the counter, examining it suspiciously.

“Hey!” Bombur said indignantly. “You tricked me! Kissed me and got me all distracted and then just swept in and - “

Nori’s mouth descended on his and muffled his words...before they stopped completely so he could focus. A guy’s gotta focus when his partner is kissing the daylights out of him, after all.

Nori pulled back slowly, his teeth pulling very gently on Bombur’s bottom lip, before he kissed it gently and stepped back.

“First of all,” Nori said softly, giving him The Look. “If I intend to distract you with a kiss, you’ll know it. Believe me.”

“Check,” said Bombur.

“Second of all, you taste like vinegar.”

“Well,” Bombur replied, grinning. “There’s a good reason for that. Did you know I was drinking apple cider vinegar when you came in?”

That earned his rump a solid swat as Nori reached around him to grab a coffee mug.

“Great in the sack and quick with a comeback,” Nori drawled. “What more could a boy want?”

“I can cook, too,” Bombur reminded him. “Fairly well, or so I’m told.”

“A match made in heaven,” Nori agreed, “since I can burn water.”

Until Nori, Bombur had always thought that was just an expression. It wasn’t.

“I shall leave you to your vinegar,” Nori said as he headed over to the kitchen table. “It seems incredibly strange to me but if it makes you feel better, than who am I and all that?”

“It’s all part of my master plan,” Bombur told him as Nori gathered up a stack of papers. “Part of the New Bombur. New and Improved.”

Nori smiled and leaned back over to caress Bombur’s cheek with his knuckles. “I happen to love the old Bombur, you know,” he reminded him quietly. “So try to leave most of him behind if you don’t mind.”

“If you insist,” Bombur murmured and they kissed again.

And after a while -

“Nori?”

“Hmmm?”

“What time are we meeting them?”

“Who cares?”

_____

And a while after that -

“Nori?”

“Hmmmm?”

“I really think we should call and say we’re running late.”

“They likely know that by now.”

“But - “

“Shhhh…”

A beat, and then -

“Ohhhh, come on!! That’s not fair! How am I supposed to - “

“You’re _not_ supposed to, that’s how. Now hush.”

Bombur hushed. And was well rewarded.

______________

When at last Bombur was able to coax Nori out of bed (and who would have ever thought _that_ would be how it went down? Fat old Bombur having to nearly threaten his sexy, lithe, incredibly gorgeous partner away from lovemaking?? Like, seriously and for reals, Bombur often wondered if he’d forgotten the part where he chose the red pill or something. Or the blue pill. Or whichever fucking pill meant you got to live inside your fantasies for the rest of your days. Because that was sure as shit where he found himself these days - a fantasy of laughter and acceptance and support and love.

 _Love, love, love_. It still took his breath away. Which made sense because _Nori_ still took his breath away.

Anyway.)

When Bombur was at last able to coax Nori out of bed he insisted they call Thorin and Bilbo and that Nori be the one to come up with a feasible story to explain their - dear lord - two hour tardiness.

Two hours! Not since he was a teenager and not even then! His face burned just thinking about it.

He marched Nori back into the kitchen and stuck his phone in his hand.

“Go on now,” he insisted, turning back to the fridge. “And after you’ve told your story and apologized your ass off, please tell them I made us lots of food for today and hope that will serve as an apology.”

Nori grinned.

“You did?” he asked, clearly pleased. “When did you make it? _What_ did you make?”

He began nudging Bombur out of the way (no mean feat, even forty five pounds later) so he could see the selections, practically giddy with excitement. “I’d told you they said not to worry about that!” Nori was saying. “That they would - ohhhhh, you made that German potato salad! Oh, I LOVE your potato salad!!”

“Nori.”

Nori turned and Bombur pointed.

“Please call them now. I am about to have a heart attack that is for once not due to my health but rather due to the stress of being indescribably rude. CALL THEM.”

Sighing, Nori shut the fridge door and slid past Bombur, tapping at his phone.

“I mean, someone might think you were afraid to call or something,” Bombur muttered to himself as he began to pull his creations out of the refrigerator and stack them on the counter. “And I know _that_ can’t be true. The indomitable Nori, afraid? Heaven forbid.”

He glanced over his shoulder at the smaller man.

Nori smirked at him.

_What the -_

“Bilbo! Hey, it’s me.”

_Ohhhhh that son of a bitch, he’s gonna -_

“Nori!” Bombur hissed and grabbed for the phone but Nori danced away, wagging his finger at Bombur and grinning even more widely.

“Yeah, so sorry, mate. Bom and I were just fucking and completely lost track of the time. We’ll be there in a tick.”

Bombur dropped his head into his hands and wondered if it were possible to actually catch on fire if you were embarrassed enough.

He could hear Bilbo’s roar of laughter even through the phone.

“Oh!” Nori continued merrily, winking shamelessly at Bombur, “and Bom wanted me to tell you that he’s made us some grub.” A beat. “Yup, German potato salad too.” Another beat. “Ok, good. See you soon, and again - sorry for the delay.” He hung up and tossed his phone on the counter. “Sooooo…” he said breezily, “All is good on their end and they’ll see us soon.”

 _It’s like climbing a mountain with a tiger,_ Bombur thought as Nori waltzed past him. _You have to be on your guard every moment._

_______________

After the drama of Uber vs. a taxi (Bombur fell squarely into the latter category, which Nori found endearingly ridiculous), they arrived at Thorin and Bilbo’s place. Which Bombur secretly thought of as Xanadu because it was that fancy. Truly. It was.

It had a goddamn swimming pool. That was theirs and only theirs. That they didn’t have to share it with the plebs who lived below them in their fancy-ass Fifth Avenue co-op. Because _those_ bitches might be fancy, but they weren’t _that_ fancy.

Not _swimming-pool_ fancy.

Nori had told him Thorin went to great lengths to get the damn thing installed too, because of course the co-op board had been less than thrilled with the idea. He had ended up buying the apartment directly below his already two-story place to alleviate the board’s concerns about the pool leaking into someone else’s home. Now it could only really leak into Thorin and Bilbo’s home. Not that it ever had, of course. Thorin did not fuck around.

And it had all happened because Bilbo had once said idly that he rather missed being able to wake up in the morning and jump into the lake, the way he had when he was a kid growing up in South Carolina. Because whatever Bilbo wanted, Bilbo got. And then some. Never mind that they also owned a place in the Hamptons AND in Bermuda. Nope. There was going to be goddamn immediate access to water in every home they owned or his name wasn’t Thorin Durin.

And all of this would have been entirely insufferable if it weren’t for Bilbo himself, who, despite the gigantic tub of butter into which he’d fallen, somehow managed to be one of the most laid-back, kind, thoughtful and interesting people Bombur had ever met. He truly seemed not nearly as interested in the material trappings that went with Thorin as he clearly was in Thorin himself. Which made Bombur forgive him. A little. Even if the pool made it difficult sometimes.

Nori had wandered inside with Thorin after he and Bombur had arrived so now he and Bilbo were kicking back, just the two of them, by the pool. Bombur was still wearing his street clothes as he remained a bit self-conscious about the whole “bathing suit” thing, though he had come a long way since he and Nori had started dating.

A long-avoided trip to his doctor - who’d pretended to have no idea who Bombur was as it had been an admittedly long time since he’d last had an appointment - confirmed that yes, his weight was definitely affecting his health and that losing even a bit of it would incur very positive and immediate changes.

“You gain one inch for every thirty pounds you lose, you know,” his doctor had said casually as Bombur was changing back into his street clothes.

Bombur had been confused.

“One inch of wha - “

And then the penny had dropped and he’d blushed while Oin, the fucker, had slapped him on the back and laughed heartily at his indignation.

And, well, if he were being honest with himself, knowing that hadn’t hurt a bit on the occasions, more rare with the passage of time, when he’d been moved to eat by some force other than hunger. He would think of that extra inch ( _or more! Why stop at just one?_ ) and how much more fun it could be having it (and he was having a great deal of fun now, make no mistake) and it helped him focus on something more productive than eating a bag of Lay’s while watching a marathon of _Flip or Flop_ and waiting for Nori to come home.

And when he’d hit thirty lost pounds, he’d made a penis cake (a very small one, no pun intended) for them to share. And what had happened after still made him blush a little. Not that that was difficult, but man...that had been a time. Yes, it had.

Bilbo sighed, and Bombur pulled his thoughts away from the post-cake sex and focused on the present. Which, considering he was lying outside on a gorgeous day poolside in the middle of Manhattan, was a pretty remarkable place to be.

“How are things at the restaurant going?”

And now it was Bombur’s turn to sigh.

“Fine,” he told Bilbo, “and thank you for asking. It’s just - “

He paused, unsure of how much to share. How much he even dared to think about himself.

Bilbo waited and then -

“Just what?”

_Just tell him. Maybe saying it out loud to someone other than Nori will help make it a thing. A real thing, not just a...whatever it is now._

“I, ummm…”

_Go on, you can trust Bilbo!_

And side-note - wasn’t it so lovely to have ditched the nasty little voice that had haunted him for so long? Wasn’t that just peachy? Because this little voice was a keeper - kind and encouraging and sweet.

Side-side note - the departure of the ugly voice coincided fairly specifically with moving in with Nori. Coincidence? Bombur sure as hell didn’t think so.

“I want to open my own place,” he blurted out and was extremely gratified to see Bilbo grin.

“Bombur, I am absolutely not joking when I tell you I had said that very thing to Thorin last week!”

“Really?”

“Really and truly!” And now Bilbo sat up, lounging forgotten for the moment, and faced him, radiating excitement. “We had just gone to dinner somewhere new-ish - “

“Centra?”

“Nooo…”

“Mikey Joe’s?”

Bilbo started laughing. “You’ve been staking out all the new places?” he asked, now practically bouncing in his seat. “It was neither of those, it was some kind of Mexi - “

“Rojo.”

“Yes!! That’s the one! Rojo.” And since Bilbo was fluent in Spanish (and French and Italian) his accent was far superior to Bombur’s. It was one of the things about him that would be annoying if he weren’t so damn sweet.

“And…?” Bombur knew he was fishing but he couldn’t help it. “What did you think?” Bilbo screwed his face up a little and Bombur started to laugh a little. “That bad?” he asked, smiling.

“Nooo, it wasn’t bad…” but Bilbo’s tone made it clear it hadn’t been that _good_ , either.

Bombur sat back in his chair a bit, reaching for the glass of ice water he’d set to the side. “Mexican isn’t really what I do,” he reminded Bilbo. “Not that I don’t love it, I just - “

“No, I understand that,” Bilbo assured him. “It’s not that it was Mexican that made me think of you, it’s that it was new and there’d been such fanfare about it and - “

“So much so that you completely forgot the name of the place!” Bombur interjected.

“Oh hush!” Bilbo smacked his arm. “I’m trying to compliment you! It was new, lots of fuss, hard to get a table - “

“I’m sure Thorin had quite a time of it.”

“And,” Bilbo continued, glaring at Bombur, “it was fine but nothing really _exciting_ , you know? It didn’t bring anything new to the table, if you’ll excuse the pun. And on the way home we were talking about the last time we’d really been blown away by a meal and it had been at your place.”

Bombur was surprised. And not surprised. And very tickled.

“At Watchley or at our _place_ place?” he asked.

“Well, both, to be honest,” Bilbo admitted. “But that night we were talking about the meal you made us when you invited us over to your home, after you’d moved in.”

“Christ, Bilbo - that was seven months ago!” Bombur was horrified that it had been that long since his friend had enjoyed a truly special meal. Also that it had been seven months since they’d invited Thorin and Bilbo over.

 _Well, we don’t have a pool,_ he reminded himself.

“Yeah, well,” Bilbo was saying, “If this morning is any indication you’ve clearly been busy.”

“Bilbo!”

_Don’t blush don’t blush don’t blush we’re all adults here and most adults have sex._

“Ahhhh!!” Bilbo crowded. “Look at that! Are we shy, famous chef?? Are we just terribly shy, you precious little snowflake, you??”

“Stop it,” Bombur muttered, trying not to laugh and failing miserably. Kind of the way he was trying not to blush and failing miserably.

“Aw, I’m only teasing,” Bilbo assured him, patting his hand gently. “I actually quite appreciate that you’ve maintained your modesty after so much time with Nori. I would think that would be rather hard to do.”

"You don’t know that half of it,” Bombur sighed, sending Bilbo off into fresh peals of laughter.

_____________

 

“Well? What do you think?”

Bilbo's question hung in the air as Bombur handed the pipe back to him and watched the smoke drift above them lazily.

There was almost no breeze and the day had gotten very hot, which if he’d been down on street-level with the rest of the unwashed masses would be painful...but up here in Xanadu all was right with the world, that was for sure.

He wasn’t a huge weed fan (not like Bilbo was, anyway - that guy was like a reggae band), but he’d smoked enough to know this was some fine stuff. Or bud. Did you call it “stuff” or “bud”? Maybe either? Both?

He waited for Bilbo’s response.

When it didn’t come he looked over to see Bilbo looking expectantly back at him.

“What?”

“What yourself?” Bilbo grinned. “I asked what you thought.”

“No, I asked _you_ what you call it. Do you say “stuff” or “bud”? As in, how do you refer to it when you’re trying to tell the friend who’s sharing it with you that you think it’s pretty damn good.”

Bilbo laughed. “For the record, you did not actually ask me that.” When Bombur opened his mouth to object, Bilbo shushed him absently with his hand. “You did not, my friend, unless it was telepathically.  However, I shall overlook this and answer your question.”

Bombur was confused.

“I _did_ ask you though,” he pointed out. “Just now. I said - I asked YOU - “

“Yes, but only after - “

“But I _did_ \- “

“Bombur, are you stoned?”

He turned around and there stood Nori, grinning at him.

His head was blocking the sun which had the advantage of not only making him look like an angel but, well - he was blocking the sun which had been getting pretty hot.

“You are pretty hot,” he said to Nori now and Nori grinned more widely as Bilbo started to giggle.

“What did you do with mine?” he asked Nori. “Is he ever coming out or has whatever it is you’ve been talking about put him in a foul mood?”

“Thorin in a foul mood?” Nori dramatically clapped a hand over his heart. “Why, I cannot believe such a thing is possible! Not our even-tempered, decidedly un-prickly, devil-may-care Thorin!” He and Bilbo laughed together while Bombur enjoyed the view. Because Nori, surrounded by a halo of mid-afternoon sun, his eyes crinkled at the corners, _laughing_ was not something he cared to miss.

“Bom told me about the place, the new place he wants to open,” Bilbo was saying and Nori looked over at Bombur, surprised.

“Did he now?” he asked, his eyebrow raised a tiny bit. Probably such a tiny bit that only someone who knew him well would have noticed. Bombur reckoned he qualified as “someone who knew Nori well” at this point and wasn’t that just a huge, fucking fabulous kick in the ass? Who knew the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow was going to be so fucking brilliant?

He smiled benignly at them both, hoping to convey his pleasure with the sun, the weed, the company, his whole damn life.

Nori leaned down and kissed him softly.

“I am very happy to see you’re enjoying yourself,” he whispered in Bombur’s ear before kissing it gently and sending an electrical spark right to Bombur’s groin.

_He knows what that does to me the bastard._

And sure enough, he was treated to a leer and a wink as Nori straightened back up before turning to Bilbo. “Your lesser half is on the phone with Dwalin,” he told him. “He sent me out to check on you, make sure all was well, that sort of thing. Probably wondering if you wanted him to add a helicopter landing pad up here or something.”

“Zip it!” Bilbo whacked Nori on the leg. Or tried to - Nori had seen it coming (which wasn’t hard as Bombur felt as if he were moving under water and could only imagine Bilbo felt the same). “You know as well as I that this pool, as lovely as it is, is not anything I asked for and was not my fault!”

“Yes, of course,” Nori said before adding - “I’ll just let him know you’d like to add a tennis court in time for the Open. That gives us at least a few weeks.”

“Nori!”

Laughing as he blew a kiss to Bombur, Nori ducked back inside.

Bilbo turned back around and settled in again, harumphing to himself. “Never asked for a pool, don’t need a pool,” he was muttering and Bombur laughed.

“He’s besotted,” he said. “That’s what you do when you’re besotted - whatever you can that’s within your means. It’s not your fault he has the means of Croesus.”

Bilbo snorted. “He is so lovely, isn’t he?” he agreed. “I mean, I’m speaking of Thorin but Nori too. Both so handsome and generous and loyal. Quite extraordinary, really.”

Bombur sighed. “I sometimes don’t have the words for it,” he admitted as he accepted the pipe Bilbo passed to him. “It seems like such a short time has passed and yet so much has changed. Parts of me have not caught up.”

Bilbo hummed a bit.

“I only…” and here Bombur hesitated. It was one thing to share his thoughts on starting his own place, quite another to share the tiny kernels of doubt he still struggled with. He handed Bilbo back the pipe and thought for a minute.

Bilbo said nothing, he simply inhaled deeply, held it and then carefully let the smoke out in perfect rings. It was very impressive.

Bombur watched them float for a while, and when they had expanded and broken apart he said, “I still feel as if I’m not enough for him.”

Silence.

He glanced over.

Bilbo lay back on the chair, his eyes closed.

“Bilbo.”

“Hmmm?”

“Are you asleep?”

“Would I be answering you if I were?”

“I didn’t know if you’d heard me.”

Bilbo opened his eyes.

“I heard you,” he said. “I was simply waiting for you to elaborate.”

Bombur turned his still fairly large self in his chair to better face Bilbo. “How do you imagine I’m going to elaborate?” he asked. “Don’t you know what I mean?”

Bilbo’s eyes closed again.

“I can’t say that I do, no.”

Bombur huffed a little.

“Can you please at least try to behave as if you’re paying attention?" he asked a bit plaintively.  "I’m trying to...I don’t know. Open up. Talk through some stuff. Share!”

Bilbo started laughing. “Bombur, I swear to you I’m listening. But all you’ve said so far is you worry you’re not enough. Well, not enough what? You’re an acclaimed chef, you work at one of the best restaurants in North America, if not the world. Most of the restaurant’s success is due to you, of course. You’re kind, thoughtful, funny as hell - “

“I’m fat,” Bombur interrupted. “I’m very fat. Do you see now? Do you see why I worry? I look like me and Nori looks like Nori and...isn’t that weird? It still sometimes feels so weird to me.”

And now Bilbo opened his eyes and looked at him, his expression kind.

“There we go,” he said. “I thought that might be what you were driving towards but I wanted to be sure.”

“Before you told me all the _other_ ways I should be concerned that I’m not enough?" Bombur sputtered, feeling a bit outraged.

“Dear lord, Bom - are you like this all the time?” Bilbo sat up on an elbow, squinting at him. “Is this kind of stuff swirling around in your little pointed head all day or is the weed bringing it on? Because now you’re being ridiculous.”

“You’re going to tell me I’m not fat?”

“Who cares? Nori doesn’t seem to.”

“Well…” Bombur was unconvinced.

“Bom, _I’m_ fat. Do you see me torturing myself, wondering what Thorin sees in me?”

Bombur was indignant.

"You’re not fat, you’re...pleasantly plump. At most.”

“Oooooh, pleasantly plump! I like that!” Bilbo took another hit and blew more smoke rings. “Yeah...I like that.”

“And Thorin built you a swimming pool,” Bombur pointed out. “In Manhattan.”

“Yeah…”

Bombur could see Bilbo’s eyes drift away and knew the small smile on his face was not intended for him. Honestly, it was enough to make you sick. Or to reaffirm your faith in humanity. Or both.

He sighed again and stood up slowly, moving to the edge of the pool so he could stick his feet in. Why be stoned by a pool if you weren’t going to touch the water?

Bilbo carefully tapped the pipe out and came to sit next to him. Together they watched their feet shimmer in the water for a while, the silence comfortable and companionable.

“Do you need Nori to build you a pool, is that it?” Bilbo asked gently and Bombur shook his head.

“No, no - I don’t need anything so fancy.”

“Well, I don’t mean literally, I mean metaphorically. Some grand gesture? Would that help you feel better?”

Bombur considered, swinging his feet gently back and forth in the water.

“I don’t think so,” he finally answered, turning back to Bilbo, his hand shading his eyes. It really _was_ getting hot, even in Xanadu. “I mean, it’s not as if he doesn’t make fairly grand gestures all the time, you know? He’s always arranging tickets to something, or bringing home flowers - “

“Well, there you are,” said Bilbo and he flopped back on the pool deck, his skin beginning to turn pink from the sun. “Those are lovely gestures, if you ask me.”

“He was the one who suggested moving in together.”

Bilbo sat up again, with an agility Bombur envied.  

“Really?” he asked. “I had been wondering how that had all gone down.”

Bombur nodded and smiled a little, remembering. He glanced over at Bilbo, suddenly shy. “You truly don’t…” and then he wasn’t sure how to continue. How do you say to someone _‘aren’t you self-conscious about how you compare to your extremely handsome partner?”_

He should have know Bilbo, of all people, would see through that in two seconds.

“I gave up worrying about that years ago, Bom.” Bilbo said, reaching back for the pipe. “There are few people who can compare to Thorin in terms of physical attractiveness. In my opinion, anyway.”

“Agreed.”

Bilbo laughed. “Now I _know_ you’re stoned,” he said. “Straight Bombur would never say anything like that. You’re all id when you’re high. I love it.”

Bombur blushed _(wow, how unusual!_ ) and then boldly said, “Well, it’s true. He’s a beautiful guy. So is Nori. They are both very beautiful guys. Men. Beautiful men.”

Bilbo nodded. “So, now that we agree on that, “ he grinned, “it seems foolish, doesn’t it, to try to compete with them on that kind of level? Do you follow me?”

“'Compete' seems - “

“Well, you know what I mean. They are so handsome one would be hard-pressed to keep up, yes? So why worry? If they wanted someone as attractive as themselves, don’t you think they’ve both had ample opportunity to find that person?”

“I suppose…” Bombur was still unconvinced. And really, really high. And he still took the pipe when Bilbo offered it and inhaled as deeply as he could.

“Maybe they don’t want to date themselves, as it were,” Bilbo suggested. “Maybe, heaven forbid, they find us as attractive as we find them.”

Bombur snorted. “You, maybe. There’s no way that can be true for me.”

“Bom - “

“Bilbo, please. You can’t deny it. You’re adorable and accomplished. I may be accomplished but I am far from adorable.”

He looked down into the water again, suddenly hypnotized by his feet gently swaying in the water. He sighed. The water was a funhouse mirror, distorting the size and shape of his feet and calves, making them wavy, thinner, paler than they truly were. _If only there were a funhouse mirror I could carry around with me,_ he thought. _Because whatever it made me look like would have to be an improvement._

_Whoa._

_Where is all this coming from,_ he wondered. He thought he had made such strides in terms of his self-image and confidence in himself and yet here he was, still so very worried about his appearance. Still so very uncertain about how he measured up. Still so very sure that being fat trumped every other damn thing about him.

He rubbed his eyes. Not because he’d teared up or anything. Just because.

He was suddenly aware how quiet it was.

He looked up, right at Nori, as it turned out. Nori smiled at him.

“This seat taken?” he asked as he lowered himself down and kicked his sandals off.

Bombur blinked.

“How did - Where’s - Wait, when did you get out here?” he managed.

Nori reached out to take his hand. “Bilbo came in to get me,” he explained, gently rubbing the back of Nori’s hand. “He told me you needed some attention. And then Thorin came out of the bedroom and now they’re...well - “

Bombur chuckled a little, surreptitiously swiping at his face to hide the fact he’d been teary two seconds ago.

“Like teenagers,” he managed and Nori laughed.

“Part of why we love them, right?” he asked and his hand drifted up to caress Bombur’s arm a bit. His hand felt so good, soft but strong and incredibly gentle but still insistent...in the best way.

“Bom…”

Bombur looked up as Nori trailed off.

"Hmmm?"

Nori gave him a small smile and reached over slowly to caress his cheek, leaning forward and resting their foreheads together after a moment. “Can I ask what made you upset?” he asked very quietly. “Because I can tell that you’ve been crying.”

With a groan, Bombur pulled away and flopped onto his back. And then hoped he’d be able to sit back up again.

“I’m fine,” he started but Nori cut him off.

“Please,” he said and his tone made Bombur blink and look up at him.

Nori was leaning over him a bit, resting on an elbow, and his expression was...strange. Bombur couldn’t quite place it, he only knew it was the most open he’d ever seen him, the most vulnerable. And vulnerable and Nori did not really go together.

_Suppose there's no time like the present to test that sitting back up thing._

Bombur tensed the muscles in his abdomen, took a moment to glory in the fact that there were actually muscles there to tense and that they were strong enough to respond appropriately, and, using his arms just a bit ( _just a bit! Fancy that!_ ) he sat back up and tried not to look too pleased with himself for doing it quite gracefully. If you asked _him,_ anyway.

And now he was sitting a bit above Nori, who was still reclining back, propped up on an elbow. He enjoyed the view for a heartbeat and then said -

“Nori, I’m good. Honestly. I think the weed made me a little maudlin, but truly - there are no worries here.”

And the thing was, it almost felt true. Almost.

Then Nori sat up too and looked at him and it was such a peculiar feeling because Bombur knew that _Nori_ knew that he wasn’t being honest. And he could see in the face of this person who made their livelihood being an unreadable cipher, a sphinx, that Nori was deciding whether or not to push him. To call him on his bullshit answer.

 _Why can I see all this? How can I read him so well? Nobody can read Nori, not even Dori. Not even_ Ori _. They’ve actually started asking_ me _what he thinks about things, now that I think about it. They ask_ me _, as if I know better than anyone._

_But I do know better than anyone. Don’t I?_

_Why is that??_

Nori’s face suddenly softened and he said, “Christ, Bom - I can see your wheels turning. Can you please tell me what’s going on with you?”

And just like that, the penny dropped. The fog lifted.

He understood.

 _He loves me. That’s why I can read him so well. He loves me and he trusts me with everything. And he’s having trouble reading me because I love_ him _but I’m - I’m -_

“How can you love me?” he burst out. “I don’t...I still - “

“Will you marry me?”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The awkward proposal continues, and Bombur tries hard to get to the bottom of his fears.

_Bam._

It was an almost literal sound, like an explosion. A sonic explosion that you felt more than you heard. It took Bombur a heartbeat to realize that one, there had been no actual sound and two, that Nori had just asked him...

Asked him to -

_"What?”_

Nori smiled a little. “My sweet Bombur,” he said softly. “Will you do me the very great honor of marrying me?”

His heart was pounding so hard it almost hurt, like _heart_ _attack_ hurt. _So_ hard. His face flushed and his ears rang...it was enough to -

_I'm not really having a heart attack, am I?? Wouldn't that just be the fucking kicker?? My dreams come true and -_

_WHAM WHAM WHAM_

_Well, if it is an attack, it's happening slowly I guess…?_

He then realized he still hadn't answered.

“Yes!" he nearly shrieked in his eagerness and Nori laughed.  And what a wonderful sound _that_ was - deep and rich, from his belly and full of joy. "Oh, hell Nori - yes! Of _course!_ I...yes, I would love to marry you!”

If you'd asked him before this moment, Bombur would have said if Nori ever asked him to get married that they would have sealed it with a searingly hot, hard kiss. Really pounded that shit into the ground. But the reality...so much sweeter. More gentle.

Nori reached over to gently grasp his face, his hand with its elegant long fingers brushing back Bombur’s hair, sweeping softly over his ear as he pulled their lips together and the kiss itself was just...delicate. Not tentative, but full of care. Care and promise and happiness. It was sweetness. Fucking _sweetness_ , if you could believe it and Bombur thought he would begin to float, that's how light he felt. All his reservations, all his uncertainties suddenly unlatched themselves from his heart and away they went (most of them, anyway), up into the stratosphere.

They drew back from each other slowly, softer and softer kisses easing the parting, then Nori dipped in to offer one final kiss before he leaned back and smiled at Bombur.

 _He looks almost bashful!_ Bombur’s little voice noted. _When has Nori ever -_

_Jesus, if he looks bashful, what the hell do I look like?!?!?_

_Not the time! FOCUS!_

He realized Nori was waiting for something...but he had no idea what.

_What were we…? Oh. right._

Reaching out to grasp his hand, Nori nuzzled Bombur’s knuckles gently against his cheek and then looked up at him again.

_Holy shit, he’s handsome. Gorgeous, really. Those cheekbones...they all have them, all the brothers, but Nori’s are just...ahhhhhh…_

“Unfair,” Bombur finally managed. “If you want to talk, this is very unfair. Terribly distracting.”

Nori just huffed and leaned in closer, now brushing his lips against Bombur’s temple. “I can’t help it,” he murmured. “Sorry. But not really.”

Bombur closed his eyes and just...felt. Felt safe. Felt seen. Felt loved. Nothing about Nori’s ministrations were sexual, there was no ramping up or sense of delicious inevitability the way there often was...it was simply loving and tender.

“Finish what you were saying,” Nori then said. “Please. It’s important.”

Bombur sighed. All that felt...less urgent. Certainly, the events of the last few moments had pushed it all to his mental back burner. But it was still there, wasn’t it? It hadn’t left, it had just gracefully given way for a moment. And if he didn’t really excise it, a time would come when it would rear up again and bite and claw and rip and did he want that? Wasn’t it time to really rid himself of it all? Or at least really try? He wasn’t so naive to think that one conversation with Nori would fix everything but in another moment of clarity, like the one that had spurred him to even speak with Nori in the first place, he knew that being honest right now, in this moment, would go a long way toward changing his stubborn, set-in-stone, long held belief system regarding his...worth. Of which his appearance was only a small part (or _not_ so small, har har, get it??).

It was time.

“I don’t always understand why you feel the way you do about me,” he said, looking down at their entwined hands. Jesus, this was hard! He felt so...naked and awkward. Totally defenseless. And he really wanted to look up at Nori, see his face, watch his eyes as he shared all this crazy shit but he couldn’t quite bring himself to do it. Nope, it was much safer to just focus on their hands. Which did look so lovely together - Bombur’s larger, darker complected, calloused hand in Nori’s smaller but very strong, wiry one. _It’s as if they shouldn’t fit together but they do,_ he thought. _Kind of like this whole relationship, I suppose._

And wasn’t _that_ kind of thinking the whole damn problem?

Shaking his head a little, he continued. “It’s very difficult for me to see myself as something besides ‘less than’, you know?” he asked, still focusing on their hands. Nori squeezed his hand gently, which made him smile a little. “Which is not to say I don’t have confidence as a chef - I do. More than I need, even.” He chuckled a little. “I never feel self-conscious or out of my league in a kitchen. But everywhere else…” He paused, searching for the right words. How to explain to someone like Nori, who didn’t have a shy bone in his body, could talk to anyone about anything and was never anything less than totally poised and comfortable with himself?

Nori edged closer to him, and brought their hands up to his cheek. So now, by virtue of looking at their hands, he was in fact looking at Nori’s face now.

 _He_ knew, _the bastard. He knew what I was doing._

Nori smiled at him, a little hesitantly _(there’s that expression again!)_ but very warmly. Bombur smiled back and then said, ”It’s like being at a party and no one speaks your language, and they don’t seem all that interested in figuring out what you have to say anyway, so you just feel superfluous. Worse, you feel useless and foolish, actively foolish, as if you’re wasting everyone’s time with your presence, you know?” He sighed, teary again. Who knew it was so hard to be open? And honest? And why hadn’t he said all this before?

_Well, I have...a little...but it’s hard!_

He did like this sweet little voice but that last bit was a bit whiny, if he was going to be honest with himself.

Also, there was the stoned factor. Let’s not forget that part!

Yeah, speaking of, why -

“Why are we talking about this now?” he asked. “I’m...well, I’m not totally baked or anything but I’m - “

“Compromised?” Nori grinned, squeezing Bombur’s hand a little.

Bombur nodded. “Compromised, yeah,” he agreed, smiling a little too. “I mean, that’s not to say I don’t want to be proposed to and all that but - “

And then a horrible horrible horrible thought snapped up.

“You...you did propose, right?” he asked slowly, his mouth suddenly terribly dry. He tried to swallow and everything just clicked in an unpleasant way.

_Oh holy fuck, now I’ve done it. How could I have ever -_

Nori was saying something. It was as if he were returning from a space mission - he could hear the sound of Nori’s voice and see him, see his mouth moving (albeit in slow motion), but nothing was fitting together properly. He forced himself to focus in, let all other stimuli fall to the wayside, so he could hear what Nori was saying. Not that he really wanted to anymore.

“ - worst possible timing, I know. I had this whole thing prepared. We were gonna go on one of those ridiculous tourist bus tours and then - “

“I love those!”

“I know you do! That’s why we were gonna do it! And I’d rented the whole thing so it was gonna be just us and then we were going to drive down to the -”

Bombur was so confused all of a sudden. “Nori, what are you talking about?” he asked. “The bus thing. What does that - “

Nori grasped his face in both his hands and pulled their heads gently together. 

“Bom, can you focus for just a moment?” Nori smiled at him, but Bombur could see that he was...frustrated? No, more...anxious. So weird!  Seeing Nori anxious. Bombur knew Nori could be told the building was on fire and about to explode and he would know exactly what to do to save his skin...and likely the skin of many others, too. He was just that way. Unflappable. But man, did he look flapped now.

_Is 'flapped' a thing? Like is 'kempt' a thing? If you can be 'unkempt' doesn’t it stand to reason that you can also be -_

_OH WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK AM I DOING?? HE JUST ASKED ME IF I COULD FOCUS!!_

Digging for a strength he wasn’t sure he possessed, Bombur shook his head and visualized himself dragging the very heavy lid back onto a crate. And then for good measure he pictured himself nailing the lid down. And then sitting on it.

He opened his eyes.

"I’m here. I’m good. I am with you now, my love", he croaked (well, he _was_ sitting on a box filled with his fairly baked mind which had so many damn fun things to do. It was enough to tire a dude out, truth be told).

_JESUS, JUST BE HERE._

_Now._

_Good_.

"I’m here",  he repeated for good measure.  "I just..." he paused, unsure how to ask what he really really needed to ask.  The fear that all of this glory was nothing but the weed talking was pretty much strangling his heart right now and -

"Yes, Bombur my love.  I asked you to marry me," Nori said and then smiled, but the smile looked a little sad.

_Why sad??  Why does it look -_

"I asked and you said yes, to my very great relief and delight.  And I was apologizing for doing it now, while you are, as you say, 'compromised', and explaining what my plan had been but then -"

It was no exaggeration to say that the relief Bombur felt was palpable.  It washed over him like warm rain in August, like the cuddles of one thousand kittens, like - 

"Ohhhhh, thank God!" he burst out.  "For a moment there, I thought maybe...oh, holy SHIT am I glad I didn't imagine it all!  The weed...well.  I just thought 'Bom, really??  You really had to -"

"Bombur."

Bombur paused mid-sentence.  And waited.

Nori took a deep breath. “If I could strangle this... _beast_ that torments you, I would,” he began. “This thing you struggle with, that tells you you are not as good as everyone else, that you don't deserve to be happy.  I would pull it out of you and tear it to great, bloody pieces in front of you. And then I would burn it.”

Bombur was almost transfixed with this imagery.

"It’s like you’re a stoned person whisperer," he said. "That is the most magnificent way I’ve ever heard my, I dunno, my _thing_ described.”

Nori laughed. "I wasn’t talking about your thing," he retorted with a smirk. "But I can if you want me to. I’d love to talk about how good it feels when it’s shoved up inside -"

"Nori!"

They both laughed very hard, and Bombur began to feel himself truly come back a bit. He hadn't imagined the proposal, that was the most important thing.

He made sure he was still sitting firmly on his id crate, though.

The laughter slowed a bit, and Nori took another deep breath.

"If I could do all that for you, I would. I would walk through fire for you, do anything in the world to make you feel happy and safe...and content."

Remembering Bilbo’s words from earlier, Bombur smiled a bit as he asked, "Would you build me a pool?"

Nori snorted.

"If you want a pool, you can have a pool," he said. "I just can’t promise it will be on Fifth Avenue. More like...a Fort Washington pool."

Bombur grasped his hand gently.

"I don’t want a damn pool," he said softly. "I only want you."

"And I only want you," Nori replied and then he leaned in for another kiss.

Bombur let it all wash over him, let himself be happy.

And then he felt ready.

"But," he prompted, and Nori nodded.

"But," he said quietly. "I can’t do all that. I can’t vanquish your dragon. I can’t fix this for you. I can support you, and love you, but I can’t make this better."

Bombur squeezed the hand he was still holding.

"Ah, but you do," he said. "You _do_ make it better. Loving me makes it better."

"I’m glad of that, but it shouldn’t, you know? You…"

He stopped and Bombur waited. Nori looked out over the park, and Bombur followed his gaze.

The view was dazzling, and up as high as they were, twenty-something stories up, the sounds of the city were muted, a soft hum in the background.

"It’s something, isn’t it?" Bombur asked, meaning the view.

" _You’re_ something," Nori said.

They squeezed hands again and through some kind of unspoken agreement, they continued to look away from each other, out onto Central Park.

After a moment, Nori said, "You are the most brilliant person I’ve ever met, did you know that?"

Denial crawled up Bombur’s spine, squeezed his chest and almost made it out of his mouth before Nori continued.

"You are without peer in your profession, you are generous to a fault, your heart is so big it’s humbling, and your capacity for warmth and joy never cease to amaze me."

Bombur’s eyes began to sting. It took a beat before he realized he was teary.

"Why you chose me, out of everyone -"

The absurdity had reached critical mass.

"What are you _talking_ about??" he nearly exploded, and he felt more than he saw the Bombur of his mind’s eye leaping off that imaginary crate in indignation and now all manner of crazy was flying around everywhere, like Pandora and her ill-fated box. Nori sighed and shook his head as Bombur continued. "Have you _seen_ yourself? You're not only gorgeous, you’re hilarious, you love your family more than anyone I’ve ever met, you’re eerily wise about all kinds of freaky things and your skill set is..." He huffed in frustration, searching for the right words.  "I don’t even know how to describe it. You’re like an incredibly sexy, much better dressed MacGyver!"

He looked over and saw Nori looking at him, smiling a little. "And do you know which of those things matters the least to me?" Nori asked. "The part about my appearance."

Bombur frowned. "I think I mentioned your appearance twice, actually."

Nori laughed a little. "That you did, that you did."

Bombur frowned more.

"Why does that matter the least?" he asked, genuinely stumped. "Aren’t you, well, proud of being attractive? You spend about as much time in the bathroom every morning as a teenage girl so I know it must matter a little to you."

"For the record, how many teenage girls have you spent time with that you would know such things?" Nori asked teasingly.

"Fair point. I just mean - "

"I know what you mean. And of course - I’m a little vain, I’ll admit that. And I am and will continue to be thrilled that you find me desirable."

Bombur’s excitable and still a bit stoned mind nearly short-circuited at this blasé understatement.

"But being attractive is not an accomplishment, Bom. It's not something you earn.  You look how you look and so much of it is out of your hands from the time you’re born. I mean, of course you have _some_ control - what you wear, if you exercise - "

"What you eat."

"Sure," Nori agreed. "You can go through life eating shoots and berries and things that taste like ass or you can fucking eat what you want to." He smiled. "But we’re getting off-topic. I only mean looks change. If that’s your thing well, better get moving because a person is young and hot for only so long."

Bombur snorted.  "It’s just that I would have maybe liked to know what that felt like, you know? To be young and hot."

Nori leaned into him.

"Bom, that’s part of what I’m saying. I find you incredibly hot. I always have."

"But I’m f- "

"So help me, if you say you’re fat as if the two things were mutually exclusive I’m pushing you into this goddamn pool."

They looked at each other.

"Being fat is always the first thing you think of when you think of yourself," said Nori. "And that would be fine if it didn’t carry all these negative connotations. But you’ve decided that fat is your defining characteristic and that the very definintion of fat for you is less than. Is not enough. Is ugly, useless, always wanting, never measuring up -"

"Nori."

Nori paused.

"That’s the thing I wish I could change for you, my sweet Bom," he said softly. "I wish I could make you understand that you are always enough. You, as you are, are perfect. I love you and I love the look of you but what a person looks like is the least of what they are, anyway. It will always change. A person’s soul…"

_He's...ohhhhh...he's crying.  I never...for me, he's crying for -_

"A person’s soul is what you love," Nori finished, a little hoarsely. "The rest is just gravy."

Bombur smiled.

"I love gravy," he said.

_________________________________

They sat quietly, holding hands, feet dangling in the pool, looking out over the park. Nori’s back pressed up against Bombur’s chest, and his small frame rose and fell a bit with every breath Bombur took.

Bombur said, "I’m not sure when it started. I just know I don’t remember ever not feeling this way."

Nori said nothing, just caressed his arm a little.

"When you’re fat, no one really pays you much mind, you know?" Bomber continued. "And that was always okay with me. People have always made me a little nervous - "

Nori kissed his arm gently.

"They make me nervous and I just get...overwhelmed. I felt, feel still sometimes, very overwhelmed by life. So a good way to get people to leave me alone was to be fat. But then…"

He stopped, thinking. What came first, the chicken or the egg? Was being fat why his self esteem was so low? Or did the shyness and certainty that he had nothing to offer anyone was interested in lead him to become fat?

"Then it all gets mixed up," he finally said. "Fat people are ignored and when they’re not...it can get pretty ugly, you know?"

Nori hummed and nodded.

"At best it’s shit about how to eat better, or concerns about you being fat couched in concerns about your health...or how to exercise, or how much to exercise. That kind of stuff. Well-intentioned but uninvited."  He thought a moment.  "And painful, because it's a reminder that being fat is never okay.  It must always be changed."

"And the worst?" Nori asked gently and Bombur grimaced.

"I’m sure you can imagine. It's like being fat is the one thing about a person’s appearance that it’s still okay to shit on. It’s always open season on fatties."

"Bom - "

"Sorry," Bombur said. "It’s hard, you know? Unraveling a lifetime of self-resentment. But I want to.  I really do." He teared up again. "I want to shed it all and get to the chewy center."  They both chuckled a little and Bombur added, "It's just gonna take some time."

Nori wrapped Bombur's arms more tightly around him.  "I love you," he said.

Bombur kissed the top of Nori's head.  "I love you too," he replied.

________________________________

Later, when they finally ventured inside, Bombur was making his way to what he had thought was the closest bathroom only to find it had since been converted into a giant-ass closet. Either that or he was totally lost in the apartment.

He began backtracking and then heard Bilbo’s voice say, "Don’t you think we should go out? It’s been quite a while."

To which Thorin replied, "They made us wait."

"How very twelve years old of you, Thorin.  Honestly, I -"

_Holy shit, I’m back by their bedroom. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck -_

Frantic now, Bombur tried to backtrack on his backtracking and wouldn’t you know it, whammo.

He ran straight into a naked Thorin.

They stared at each other.

 _God, i don’t really believe in you but if you do_ _exist please drop_ _me through the flor post-haste so that the horror of this moment may end_ , _even if it's with my death. If that is your price, I accept. Please somehow tell Nori I love him._

Nothing happened.

Until a naked Bilbo wandered out to see what had happened with Thorin.

_Really God, REALLY??_

"Well, well, well," grinned Bilbo. "Honestly, Bom, don’t you have your own glorious man to ogle?"

Bombur felt his face ignite and his heart...well, it didn’t even bear mentioning what his heart was doing.

Also, there was no denying Thorin was a magnificent specimen.

_ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS RIGHT NOW??_

"I am so, so sorry, I was looking for a bathroom and - "

"Oh right!" Bilbo turned to Thorin. "The closet that used to be - "

"Ahhh," nodded Thorin. He turned back to Bombur.  "Yeah, we tore that one out."

"Well, you should _tell_ a person!" managed Bombur as he walked backward - walked backward! As if they were going to attack him or something. _Or as if they were royalty,_ the cynical part of his mind provided.

And sure, Thorin did look positively  _regal,_ standing there naked with his arms folded across his chest and -

_Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!_

The piercing shriek in his mind was like a slap on his face. He turned and ducked around the first corner he came to, hoping it was not some sexual dungeon or a room full of dildos or something even more embarrassing than he had already been through.

Nope, just a guest bedroom. With, praise be, an en suite bathroom. Will wonders never cease.

"I _told_ you we should have kept that a bathroom," he heard Bilbo say and dropped his head into his hands at the sound of their very hearty laughter.


End file.
